Vulnerability

Happy Sunday!

I want to share some of my personal health/food healing story this morning. There is never a dull moment when you are on a healing and wellness journey, and there is always something to learn.

There is so much shame and unspoken words that swirls around with women, food, scales, how we look and are perceived- competition and judgement- and how mean other women can be regarding weight.

I am 46. I have been on a healing and wellness journey for about the last 10 to 15 years. I spent my 20's and most of my 30's tied to the scale, calorie restricting anywhere from 800-1200 calories a day, or not eating at all for days. When I would eat, it would be toast. I lived on toast for most of that time in my 20's and 30's. I would do hours upon hours of cardio every day. I had all of these limiting beliefs about the scale, food, exercise and I had many nutrient deficiencies, and a lot of anxiety.

In my late 30's, I started focusing on healing childhood wounds and trauma. This part of my food life was addressed, my hidden yet not so hidden if you really knew me, secret war with food, exercise and body dysmorphia. These last 10 years or so I have really focused on actually eating regularly and eating super clean. I had the understanding that 1000-1200 calories a day was really doing better. I would get to these weight goals I had set and would have this frustration of what I still saw in the mirror. I was a skinny fat per say.

I had tried some intermittent fasting, the fall year before last and by January of last year my hair was coming out in clumps. I was beyond devastated. I wore wigs for months.

Last June, my husband suggested I use a trainer to get to the goals I had and help with the up and downs of the scale. So, I did. He got me a trainer. We talked about my goals, my struggles in the past with weight, food, my HAIR etc. I have been strength training since last June. I have seen such a difference in the way my body looks. Recently, my scale has jumped up some and I did freak out. I talked to my trainer about this as my diet hadn't changed and I can't have that number up etc. etc. Yes, she talks all the time about throwing out the scale- baby steps ok. I told her my knee jerk reaction is to restrict calories and stop with weights. However, I am going to push through this because I want this to be my lifestyle. She had me food journal for a week to see what exactly what I am doing at home. She said my diet was super clean and healthy, yet, I just am not eating enough. My daily calories are just too low. (Now you know I went and asked some girls I know that weight train and are on a wellness journey about this upping calorie intake! I found out that they also have upped their calorie intake and they are ok! I am so thankful for their honesty, vulnerability, patience and kindness and sharing their healing journey with me.)

I have learned that most of what I "knew" about the scale, food, exercise is definitely outdated information. I have upped my calorie intake. The wild thing about eating more in the day is that I sleep way better. This journey has really given me some new things to think about regarding the scale and the numbers and a peace with food instead of the obsessive calorie restricting way of life.

When it comes to the hair loss I went through, I really focused on nutrition. I also have learned that because of my history of not eating and eating issues that I am probably not the candidate to ever use fasting. I used to take all these supplements, granted I do still take a few that I find to be a necessity for me, but now I am doing things a little differently.

I am an herbalist and have my own apothecary. I have been making an herb blend for nutrients instead of taking endless amounts of supplements. I have teatime every day. It is now a healing ritual for me. Come have tea with me some time, it is a really fun and delicious thing. I use my coffee press to make tea. A coffee press is the best for smooth tea! I have had my clients really noticing my hair these last few weeks. I have heard quite a few say things like "Hey! Your hair is really filling in and it is getting really long!" When you go through something as traumatic as losing your hair- yes, it is traumatic! - hearing those words is sometimes enough to bring tears of joy to my eyes.

I hope this inspires you to keep healing and moving forward. We all need some hey we are humans here just human'ing and I see you! Happy Sunday to you!

~J